by Bill Ritchie: writchie@bigfoot.com

MORE HELP-LINE HORRORS

[This couldn't really happen could it? Or could it? Bill]

Help Desk. How may I help you?
Yes, I am having problems with my word processor.

What sort of problems?
Well, I was typing when the words suddenly went away.

Went away?
Yes, they disappeared!

They disappeared - hmm. So what does the screen look like now?
Nothing.

Nothing?
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

Are you still in the programme or did you get out?
How do I tell?

Can you see the "C" prompt on the screen?
What's a sea prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?
There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have power indicator?
What's a monitor?

It's thing with the screen at looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
I don't know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power lead goes into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.

Great. Follow the lead and see if it is plugged into the wall.
....... Yes it is.

When you were behind the monitor did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it not just one?
No.

Well, there are. I want you to look back there again and find the other cable.
........ Okay here it is.

Follow it for me and tell me whether it is plugged securely into the back of your computer.
I can't reach.

Uh uhh. Well can you see if it is?
No.

Even if you kneel on something and lean right over?
Oh, its not because I can't lean over far enough - its because its dark.

Dark?
Yes the office light is off and the only light is that coming in through the window.

Well turn on the office light then.
I can't.

No, why not?
Because there is a power cut.

A power cut ....... A power cut!!!! Uh aahhhaaa we can get it sorted now. Do you still have the manuals, box and packing your computer came in?
Well yes thy are all in the cupboard.

Good. Go and get them and pack it as it was when you received it, and then take it back to the shop you bought it from.
Really is it that bad?

Yes I'm afraid it is.
Well alright then, but what do I tell them?

Tell them that you are too ******* stupid to own a computer!

ONE "HELL" OF A QUESTION!

An exam question on: Momentum, Heat and Mass transfer.

Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Justify your argument.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.

One student however wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist they must have mass. If they do then a mole of soles can have mass. So at what rate are souls entering Hell and at what rate are they leaving?

Making the assumptions that once in Hell a soul cannot leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

To determine how many are entering we must look at the different religions.

Some religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell.

Because there is more than one religion that states this and no one is a member of one of more religion we can postulate that all people, and therefore all souls, go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are we can assume that the number of souls in Hell are increasing exponentially.

Now look at the rate of change of volume in hell.

Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and pressure to say the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Case 1: If Hell is expanding at a rate slower than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell lets loose.

Case 2: If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature ad pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate by Theresa Banyan during my first year " it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and taking into account I have not had sexual relations with her, Case 2 cannot be correct.

Thus Hell is exothermic- QED!

The answer was rewarded with the only "A" grade.

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